I finally made it to my car after a difficult day at work and just sat there for a few minutes. It was a busy day making numerous phone calls to doctors and hospice. The man returning from the hospital didn’t have much time left and I was hoping hospice could come admit him today and that the doctor could order medication for him immediately so I could get it from the pharmacy before the dying man needed it. Hospice finally got back to us saying they would see him today instead of in the next few days (which would be too late) and the doctor ordered the medication needed. The pharmacy even delivered it before my shift was over as I requested and I sent them a return fax with a giant THANK YOU and a HAPPY FACE. Helping the dying and their families is rewarding but emotionally exhausting. Sometimes I cry with the family, sometimes it happens in the bathroom or in my car after work. There are days when I think I can’t do it anymore but, not today. I was exhausted but felt good about getting things in order for the dying man and his family.

Then I started my car. Then I saw the check engine light. Why is that on again? This almost made my cry since I recently spent about $3000 on my Subaru. As I was about to cry I changed my mind and decided to go to the store. I wasn’t planning to go to the store until payday due to my nearly empty checking account but, I was thinking about mortality and death could happen anytime so I should just get the kids some milk and a bottle of wine for myself and maybe a few other things. Sure, what the hell. At the check out I swiped my debit card. The machine was thinking and as I loaded a bag into my cart the checker said to me, quietly:  “it says to try lesser amount.” I sighed and said,”I know, I thought it would pull it from my other account.” So, I used my credit card to buy milk, wine and some other food, something I haven’t done in years. It reminds me of a time when I was much younger and my card was declined because I only had $7. I really did cry then as I had no savings account to speak of at the time. At least the machines now are nicer and offer suggestions.

I remember a time when I justified spending money I didn’t have because someday I will no longer exist on this planet and my debt will at that time become irrelevant. This is a kind of messed up faulty logic that doesn’t happen to me much anymore…only on special occasions when the culmination of the day results in one thought:  what the hell.