My day begins with good intentions. Upon arising I usually intend to go back to bed immediately upon returning home. After being awake for about fifteen minutes my thoughts change to better intentions. After work I will walk the dog or go to the gym and eat a healthy dinner, like salad.
After actually being at work for ten minutes or maybe four hours my intentions change. Sometime before noon I decide that the first thing I want upon returning home is beer. I start thinking it earlier at work these days…like after ten minutes. During that time I am also thinking: I can’t do this anymore. This is a thought that crosses my mind most days. I keep making it through the day taking care of everybody else, just barely making it to the bathroom. I manage to inhale some food while writing in charts.
Taking care of people is hard. I feel like I give them everything I’ve got and I have nothing left for me or my family. I come home to more people who need help and I don’t want to help people anymore. Is it time to get out of nursing? If I am irritated with people soon after getting to work is it time to quit? Taking care of people with memory problems is challenging and exhausting. I suppose if I didn’t care so much I wouldn’t be exhausted from the work. Do other nurses feel like they just can’t do it anymore? Who is going to take care of the confused people when the people who care can’t do it anymore?
Almost everyday at work I think: I can’t do this anymore. I keep going back and doing it another day. Perhaps my prayers are answered, giving me strength to make it through another day. Perhaps my intentions are changing for the better as I have made it to the gym three times now. Still, my thoughts wander to desire to just go have a beer.